It’s common knowledge to everyone that knows it, that the secret government has been working overtime lately, ramping up to the beginning of the eventual start of their master stroke, project C.R.I.M.S.O.N. Using the annual census reports they are well aware of how many citizens they’ll need to enslave, and the man-power it will take to imprison these brave, strong patriots, in FEMA camps. Once enslaved we’ll be forced to work in factories building iPhones and tablets for the elite.

They already have access to our United States ARMY, in addition, the thousands of secret ARMY soldiers they’ve been training….in secret. And of course paid military contractors who will do anything for money. But even with these mercenaries, they’ll be hard-pressed to quickly gain control over all the fighting patriots who have been prepping for this police state their whole lives.

Our hands may be sore from gripping the cold, hard, steel of our guns for decades in anticipation of this war, but we sure as hell won’t let a little carpal tunnel syndrome or living hand rigor-mortis stop us from fighting with almost all of our being.

The major problem that we patriots face is that the shadow government knows that we know what they’re up to. Our patriots will fight to the death to preserve our way of life. We’ll sacrifice our lives to protect our right to eat fast food, drink sugary sodas, smoke cigarettes, deny global warming, vote against universal healthcare, not vaccinate our children, clear cut ancient forests, use the oceans as our dumps, spray our food with petroleum-based synthetic chemicals, laugh at science, believe the earth is 6,000 years old, beat our children because our deity said we could, hate gays, hate women, hate anyone that doesn’t believe exactly what we believe, enslave animals, and be the kind of patriots that our founding fathers envisioned us to be.

This kind of dedication and loyalty to our founding fathers and the brave document that they sacrificed their lives to bravely create-our United States constitution-is the fuel that we patrioteers will use to prevent the secret government and the Google and the Apple, from raping our children and using our women for breeders, in their sick scheme to repopulate the world with a master race of perfect beings. There is no doubting our resolve, we are stronger and smarterer than these elite sickos.

This of course doesn’t mean there won’t be some hurdles for us to overcome. The first being secret surveillance on our patriots by the shadow government. We know they can tap our phones and read our emails, that’s why we wrap our smart phones and computers in a protective anti-spying armor of aluminum foil and lead paint. However, shocking new information has just hit our “news” desks here at headquarters, and its not only disturbing, but it’s also shocking and nervewracking.

Recently Apple Corp-which is owned by the secret shadow government-released its new iPhone the iPhone 5s. We can only assume the ‘s’ stands for ‘spying’, because we already know that all Apple products are built with reverse communication chips, which enable the secret government to monitor all of our phonecalls, texts, vines, tweets, likes, emails, e-cards, evites and emotions. There were rumors that the new iPhone would be made of ‘liquidmetal‘ a futuristic new indestructible material first envisioned in the sequel to Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgement Day.

When we caught wind of this here at Mind-Jail, our team of Hypothetical Conspiracy Predictors-tasked with coming up with elaborate and seemingly impossible conspiracy scenarios and then connecting the dots to make them a reality-got to work! No doubt Hollywood has been conditioning the population for decades to become familiar with some of the more futuristic science-fictiony-type technologies that the secret government has already had for years. Alien materials they bartered for with space visitors back in the 1940′s, that they’ve been slowly releasing on our citizens, under the guise of science “breakthroughs”. Yeah right! Humans aren’t intelligent enough to make a smartphone all by themselves. We don’t buy it and neither should you!

Since we already know that Hollywood liberals are in the pocket of big shadow government, we simply rewatched old science fiction movies with new eyes. Could these movies be warnings that only we intelligent patriots can understand? The answer of course is yes.

So, all of our staff sat in a dark room and viewed Terminator 2: Judgement Day again, for the first time with our new truth seer eyes. We were shocked at what we discovered.

The answer to how the secret government knows, that we patriots know, that they’re planning to enslave us in China-like factories here in the United States, making smartphones, computers, Google glass eyes and and a whole host of other toxic technologies designed for the rich master elite (in spite of the fact that we’ve coated our phones and computers in lead paint) became obvious.

We’re all already chipped!

But how? We patriots don’t trust doctors, we don’t get vaccinated, we hardly ever even take off our bulletproof vests. So how did the government scientists find a way to get a tracking chip into our bodies?

Liquid metal of course!

As we all are well aware, vampires have the ability to turn themselves into a misty fog and creep into our homes, through cracked windows, under doors, and through poorly sealed heating and air ducts. That’s why if you go into the home of any true patriot, you’re going to find that structure to be airtight! The constantly low oxygen level is a small price to pay to ensure that our castles are impenetrable, preventing exposure to chemical gas attacks, nanobot spy bugs, and of course misty vampires. Apparently, and we’ve only recently discovered this, but duct tape is not only useful in holding up plastic sheeting over our windows and doors, but it works wonders to seal up cracks around air ducts up in the attic. Who’d have thunk it?

In Terminator 2 the evil Terminator robot, performed by the talented Robert Patrick, had the capability to melt itself down into a mass of liquid metal, and slide through jail bars. It could shapeshift, but since that part honestly scared me outta my mind, I’d rather not discuss it right now.

If the government could make a tracking chip out of this sinister liquid metal material, they could walk up to our front doors at night, drop a few drops of this satan substance onto our porches, where it would slither like a snake into our bedrooms, up onto our beds and into our bodies, where it would reconstruct itself into a tracking chip, which could hear not only our phone calls and conversations, but also our thoughts.

As soon as the team came up with this plausible possibility, we all ran to mirrors to look for metallic fillings in our teeth. Sure enough we found plenty. Thus began a bloody few hours where our staff members braved the searing hot pain of tooth extraction, and took turns with the one pair of pliers we had here in the office, to rid their bodies of these liquid metal tracker chips. Maybe they were just innocent “fillings”, but is it worth taking the risk? No.

Not only have our staff members taken another step ahead of the shadow government, but there is now a lot of pleasant whistling going on around the office, and lord knows we love whistleblowers here at

If you also think your tooth fillings are secret government tracking chips made from alien liquid metal that we traded space creatures, cattle and access to our cornfields (for communication purposes) for, back in the 1940′s, hurry now to the store and purchase our new Patriot Pliers Tooth Extraction Survival Kit. For just $49.99 you’ll get a pair of Patriot Pliers with the American Flag hand grips, a flag colored dentists bib, a pair of leather gloves made in the USA, and a two hour demonstration video showing you step-by-step instructions on how to extract teeth that could potentially be harboring a liquid metal-shadow government-alien technology-listening device-tracker chip.

Lets keep the only chip on our patriots bodies the ones on our shoulders, from having to grow up poor, uneducated, and forced to discover these terrible secret plots on our own.